tell me that you love me more
by cigarettes 'n' sidewalks
Summary: five times cat gets her heart broken, and one time she doesn't.


a/n; cat is kind of my favorite to write. so. more catfic. a few pairings. two canon characters, three ocs. i know people hate ocs, but hey, my choice of canon boys was limited. title is from 1234 by Feist

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><p><em>one. carson mayes.<em>

cat valentine is thirteen when she meets the first great love of her life.

she and jade are at the mall, like they are most days after school. (it makes them feel older and cooler and more grown up than they really have any right to be as eighth graders) cat pretends not to see jade slipping a bracelet under her sleeve as they leave a store. jade does a lot of things that cat knows are wrong, but that's okay. (you have to forgive your the people you love, or else they won't forgive you, that's what her mother always says)

a handsome boy with green eyes stops her just as they leave, offers her a blinding smile and tells her he's seen her around a few times and just wanted to tell her he thought she was beautiful. jade snorts and tells cat she's going to the next store over, but cat knows she'll be watching from a short distance away. jade doesn't trust anyone, and she never lets people mess with cat. green eyes introduces himself as carson, and before she knows it, they've settled on the bench next to the dippin' dots stand, and she's pretty sure she's never liked someone this much before. carson is sweet and funny and smart and he's in _high school! _eventually she realizes that she's going to get in trouble if she doesn't get home soon. he asks for her number and she gives it happily and kisses him on the cheek, before skipping off to find jade and go home.

\.\

for weeks, everything is completely flawlessly perfect. carson calls her every evening and they talk until they both fall asleep. they text during the day when they can, and he even talks her into skipping class to have lunch with him a few times. she starts thinking maybe she's in love. jade says she's infatuated, but what does jade know? jade's never been in love with anything, not really.

\.\

she loses her virginity in a cramped twin bed surrounded by posters of athletes and bikini clad girls one night when carson's parents are out of town. it's painful and messy and awkward and it wasn't romantic, like every movie she'd ever watch made her imagine, or even hot, like the pornos she and jade had watched once during a sleepover. it was just... gross and stupid. she feels wrong, dirty, weird after, and she's not sure what to do, so she tells him she loves him and when he doesn't say it back, she excuses herself and stands in the shower until her skin is bright red and all the blood is gone from her thighs.

later, when he's finally driven her home, she tries to tell her mother what's been going on, that she maybe isn't in love after all, that her heart hurts and her body hurts. her mother listens for only moment, but then donnie falls down the stairs and her mother's gone with a 'hold that thought, sweetheart, we'll talk soon, i promise.' she nods and smiles and runs out the door and all the way to jade's house.

like always, jade's amazing when it matters. she listens while cat cries, absently twisting cat's dark hair through her fingers. cat falls asleep curled up on jade's bed, face puffy from crying, while jade distantly hums a song cat could remember if she tried hard enough.

\.\

they have sex three more times. each time, she feels dirty and _soverywrong _when it's over. she tells him she loves him, and he never says it back. finally, she asks. _don't you love me?_ he doesn't even have the decency to lie. _(well, no, we're just kids- jesus cat, you're __thirteen__, we don't even know what love is. i really like you, can't that be enough? god, i should have known you were going to turn this into something dramatic.)_

_-what's that supposed to mean?-_

she runs out of his room, his house, his street, his neighborhood, all the way home.

\.\

she dyes her hair bright red, starts at a brand new high school, and pretends she doesn't know what heartbreak feels like.

* * *

><p><em>two. matthew ellis.<em>

he's a senior when she's a sophomore. she's healed, and sometimes she can forget what it feels like to be dirty and wrong. no one at hollywood arts except for jade and beck know about her first love, and she's happy that way.

matthew is her partner in the big showcase. she doesn't really know him, but she isn't worried. she can make friends with just about anyone. (except for damian. damian scares her.)

he invites her over to start working on their performance, and the moment she enters his house, she decides she loves him, just a little. his family is big and close, crammed into a small, warm, homey little house. they retreat to his bedroom, and there are no posters of athletes or models- framed photographs hang from the walls, and he tells her he wants to be a wildlife photographer when he grows up. she squeals that she loves animals, and they're best friends from that moment on.

\.\

they perform a song from the broadway version of the lion king(their favorite musical), and receive a standing ovation. she doesn't think she's ever been happier, until matt kisses her when they get offstage.

\.\

they spend two amazing months together. one night just after christmas, when they're cuddled on his couch watch movies, he tells her that his dad's been transferred, and he has to move, all the way to colorado. he whispers that he really loves her, and he'll miss her _somuch_. she never knew it was possible for your heart to be shattering and feeling impossibly full at the same time.

\.\

he leaves, but still sends her a postcard every time he goes somewhere new for years.

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><p><em>three. andré harris.<em>

their junior year is a mess. over the summer, jade and beck broke up and beck somehow ended up with tori(and even with all of her faith in true love, she can't see how they'll make that okay) and her ever-solid group of friends has disintegrated. she's never hated anyone before, but she hates tori vega for ruining her friends. beck and jade were happy, but now they don't even look at each other. andré was always full of life, but losing his chance with tori's made him go all sad. (she's not stupid, she saw how he looked at tori before- he was head over heels for her)

she wants to help so bad, but she can't- jade's coping in her own ways and she's scaring cat more and more, acting like she doesn't even care about beck, or if she ends up hurting herself or someone else. her mother's always told her that you can't help someone who doesn't want it. she vows that she'll be there whenever jade needs her, because even jade is going to need someone sometime.

\.\

andré plays one heartbreaking song after another in one of the music classrooms that doesn't get used often. he doesn't know she's there, doesn't know that she's been listening for weeks while he drowned his pain in music, just like jade drowns hers is alcohol and unfamiliar bodies. she cries for him some days, from her hiding place behind the empty guitar cases the litter the room. today isn't one of those days. today, she listens silently, waiting for him to slam the piano lid like he does every day, to storm out of the room.

he doesn't.

today the music just stops, and he stays at the bench. she can't resist moving from her safe spot to see what he's doing, and when she does, he sees her. for almost a full minute, they watch each other from across the room. slowly, she ventures his way. he asks why she's there, she responds that she likes hearing him play, and that she wanted to make sure he was okay. he seems puzzled. she explains that she's not stupid.

_(it upsets her that people keep forget that)_

she sits next to him on the piano bench and he starts playing again. she watches his graceful hands fly over the keys, tries to copy his movements without touching the keys. he nearly smiles, rests his hands over hers and shows her how to play his song. they continue for a while, until the song gradually ends. he doesn't take his hands off of hers. their eyes lock, faces just inches apart. she thinks idly that he has very pretty skin. he leans in and time just

stops.

\.\

it's not that they're together, exactly. they just hold hands under their desks sometimes and kiss once in a while and sleep together a couple of times. it's no big deal.

that's what she keeps telling herself, anyway. she knows, deep down in the part of her heart that's always known more than she lets on, that he isn't hers. they don't get to be together, because he loveloveloves tori. she doesn't mind though, really. she just wants him to feel better, and sometimes when they're together, he does.

she's happy when she's with him. happier than she's been with anyone else. being with him doesn't make her feel dirty.

it probably should.

\.\

of course, beckandjade end up back together, and tori decides she wants him back. for a moment, cat thinks maybe he won't go back to tori, but soon enough she knows he will.

he apologizes, but she shakes her head and and hugs him tight.

_(you have to forgive the people you love)_

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><p><em>four. robbie shapiro.<em>

it's not exactly love at first sight- his puppet upsets her all the time, and he gets irritated with her emotions, but as time goes on, it turns into something. more often than not, they end up hanging out, because they're kind of the fifth and sixth wheels in their group. _(though, it's not much of a group anymore. jade flat refuses to deal with tori anymore, and beck's happy with that decision, so it's kind of like tori and andré have moved to a faraway island and she can only see them on holidays or when jade and beck skip school to do jadeandbeck things). _

sometimes, she likes hanging out with robbie. sometimes, they'll sit at a table by themselves a lunch, when beck and jade are making out or arguing, or when tori and andré are being more adorable than even cat can tolerate. _(she's happy for them, honestly, but sometimes watching them hurts) _sometimes robbie's funny and when he leaves rex at home she can honestly say she likes him. she kisses him once, twice, three times, and he makes a big deal of it, and she kind of enjoys the attention.

_(it's a nice change, after andré who kept her a secret)_

\.\

they stay together through the rest of high school. it's weird in a lot of people's eyes, but it works. it's not an epic, monumental love like she's always wanted. it's steady and calm and stable and for once, she's not worried about getting her heart broken. robbie won't hurt her or leave her behind. she's comfortable, if occasionally a bit bored. sometimes she wonders if that means she's not really in love at all. she should know by now, shouldn't she?

\.\

there's no dramatic ending, no huge blowup to signal the beginning of another crushing heartache. instead, they fall apart as slowly as they came together. lifeafter high school draws them apart, him to las vegas to do a ventriloquist act, her to new york for broadway, then back to los angeles for a movie. honestly, she doesn't even remember the last time they see each other and that's the most heartbreaking thing of all.

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><p><em>five. sam gibson.<em>

she films her very first movie when she's twenty. she comes into her fame nearly overnight, though she already had some credibility from her year on broadway.

she doesn't like her costar at first. sam is surly and too quiet and mostly ignores her between takes. when they're in front of the camera, he's passionate and alive and _beautiful_. she can't help but wonder about him, why he's so distant, if he's just shy... she knows by now, curiosity killed the cat, but she also knows that it's in the cat's nature to want things that might be dangerous.

\.\

making her way into his world is scary. he's as dark as she thought. he's cold and cruel at his worst moments, but she's learned that he can turn around, suddenly be so intensely bright and alive that it's terrifying. she finds herself loving him in spite of it all.

they stay locked in an intricate dance, getting _thisclose_ before suddenly they're back at the beginning, not speaking or looking at each other, for weeks. days before filming wraps, the game ends and she immersed herself in him, and finally he's not forcing her away.

\.\

for once, cat is sure that he loves her more than she loves him. sam feels harder and stronger than anyone she's ever met- he hates with everything he has and loves with more passion than she ever knew was possible. she finds herself afraid of him more and more- he's possessive and jealous and angry more often than not, and they fight constantly and she finds herself wondering how the _hell_ people like beck and jade keep from burning themselves out. her friends worry for her. beck tells her that she has to tell him if sam's hurting her. jade doesn't demand or give advice, just says she'll be around when cat needs her. even tori comes up out of the woodwork to say she's concerned. andré doesn't, and that bothers her more than anything. she doesn't leave because some sick part of her that she's never known before likes it, being possessed and caged and owned.

\.\

she isn't fourteen anymore, and she's no stranger to heartbreak, but this, when it comes, knocks the air out of her lungs, leaves her gasping and struggling to breathe. she knew, she knew, she knew. people like sam burn out hard and fast.

for months, she watches him fight demons she can't begin to understand, and tries to help him keep his head above the water, but in the end, she can't.

she comes home to the huge apartment they never really fit into to find a note pinned to the fridge and bloodstains covering the bedroom walls.

it's the same exact same color as her hair, coincidentally. she checked.

* * *

><p><em>six. andré harris.<em>

getting over sam takes time. she misses him every day, misses the fights and the feel of rough hands on her body, sweet words turning deadly without any warning. but, like all brokenness, it fades with time. she goes back to work and doesn't date, doesn't love, doesn't feel. for a few years, she is contentedly lonely. she watches her friends move past her, watches beckandjade become mr. and mrs. oliver, and andréandtoriharris become andré harris and victoria vega again. her parents get older, she hires the best people that money can buy to take care of them, and spends every sunday reading the paper to her father and talking to her mother about people she never knew. her brother disappears in the rocky mountains.

she's nearly thirty when she sees andré properly again. he shows up at her apartment on a thoroughly random wednesday morning, with the glazed donuts that she loved in highschool, and a cup of coffee.

she lets him in, tells him he can sit if he wants to. he settles on her couch and looks around her bright, knickknack filled home uncomfortably for a few minutes before blurting out an apology.

to be honest, she doesn't know why he's apologizing and it doesn't matter to her.

_(we have to forgive the people we love, after all)_

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><p><em>an; um. yep._


End file.
